san francisco

Gingerbread Gina

Gina Gingerbread.jpgYou’ve heard of million-dollar views? Good. In this case, you’d better bring two. Perched between the Oakland Hills and the family-friendly excitement of Oakland’s Grand Ave, this Victorian charmer has everything you’ve been looking for—as long as you can pack it into 1100 square feet. This one won’t last long. Call your careless local lender today!

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Boxy Bernal Brothers

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Precariously perched near the peak of Bernal Hill, these simple structures have been in the neighborhood long enough to see at least one San Francisco bubble burst. While the bars on the window tell you things haven’t alway been Instagramable vistas and six-dollar lattes, both homes have been updated to match the Ikea decor that’s sure to fill them. This is your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own an entire corner of the most squirrely city in America. Bidding starts at five million.

North Beach Nina

Nina.jpgConveniently located near well-known strip clubs and homeless hangouts, there’s a lot of luxury hiding behind this extremely secure entryway. With space for six or more units, this is an investment opportunity you can’t afford to walk away from. Call your favorite contractor and get ready to rake in the rent! The bidding starts at $5.2 million—contact us today for a chance to own a piece of San Francisco history!

Bernal Ben

Bernal Ben.jpgBen hasn’t been gentrified yet—even as the Design Within Reach crowd ambushes his fellow, wood-framed neighbors. His eaves are dirty, his first floor siding tagged by teenagers and his porch smells of urine. Although never divided into apartments, this two story Bernal Heights home hasn’t had the maintenance it deserved over the years. Considering his square footage and proximity to “authentic” Mexican food, I’d imagine the starting bid for Ben would be at least two million. And if one of Zuckerberg’s buddies is in the bidding war, the foggy San Francisco sky is the limit.

Rustic Roger

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A fixer-upper in any other part of the world, this hillside retreat comes with a secure entrance, two-car garage and enough dry rot to keep your preferred San Francisco contractor busy for at least a year.* Spend your evening watching the fog roll over Twin Peaks and your mornings trying to figure out how to get another home improvement loan. My estimated pre-bidding-war starting price is $1.8 million. Rent the whole house for $6250—with a 13-thousand dollar deposit to cover any damage. Small cats considered.

* I have no idea if this house has any dry rot issues.

San Francisco Steve

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A four-unit beauty nestled in San Francisco’s desirable Bernal Heights neighborhood, each bay window alone has a market value of $800K. Each garage space is worth an additional $500K. The small plants are yours for free. My estimated purchase price in this insane market is so high I lost track of the zeros. However, my rent estimate for each apartment is $5,250 a month—with an additional $550 per month for a garage space.